U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
