Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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