Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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