I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
