why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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