im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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