I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
