I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
