So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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