so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
