Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize