i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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