Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
