I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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