there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
