I am in a vortex of obligation.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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