Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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