come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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