fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
