so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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