there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
