Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
