Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
