I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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