drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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