I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize