I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
