Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize