I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
