Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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