I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize