I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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