I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
