things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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