so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
