My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
