Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
