i already hear my dad disowning me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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