You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
