my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
