Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
