My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my being single is dangerous.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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