i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
