You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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