Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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