She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm passing your future prison.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
