we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize