Don't make out with my wife yet
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
