I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
