Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well I just put wine in my tea
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
