Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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