...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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