Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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