We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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