I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
