Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
