as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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