dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
