Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
