I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
