i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
