eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize